If you know someone named “Joe Crouser”

Then that person is me. The surname Crouser is an anglicization of the German name Krauser, it was adopted by some long-dead American immigrant over a hundred years ago who ultimately scattered his decedents all over the continent including Canada where I’m from.

No other German man has committed this spelling error, and thus we enjoy exclusive access to personalized .com addresses so long as we weren’t named ‘Ryan’ like the shot-putter guy (we’ve never met) and accept that Crouser & Associates stole crouser.com first.

I don’t know anything about the other Crousers. The dude who passed it on to my initial nuclear family died young – before any connection was established between us and the greater Crouser multiverse. We hid ourselves away in Vancouver where no other Crouser has gone before and married a bunch of Vancouverite women to make new Crousers of our own and pollute this pristine nation with our likeness. Three generations of rogue Crousers survive and fester in our wickedness.

One day, this family will reunite to share our stories and domain names. That day is not today. It is not tomorrow or any other day. It’s never happening, let’s face it; and that’s okay because Crousers have got better things to do like rigging elections and undermining the proletariat.